


Always Love

by catewip



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Come Swallowing, Explicit Sexual Content, Hair-pulling, M/M, Mentions of past child abuse, Oral Sex, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Spit As Lube, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-28 15:57:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19397452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catewip/pseuds/catewip
Summary: Dumbledore's plan for Sirius to hide out at Grimmauld Place brings up past traumas and opens old wounds. When emotions finally reach boiling point, Sirius and Remus are left to pick up the pieces.





	Always Love

**Author's Note:**

> Massive thank you to @Purplechimera for being such an fantastic beta reader! You're amazing!

Sirius stood abruptly, whether to charge at Dumbledore or flee the room, he wasn’t sure. Before he could make the decision for himself, he felt Remus’ strong grip around his upper arm. With the old but familiar pull at his navel and twist in his stomach, Sirius found himself side apperated to the one place he hated as much as Azkaban itself. Twelve Grimmauld Place loomed in front of him and Sirius was sure the Dementors had returned, images for his childhood crowding his mind and the heavy weight in his chest returning ten fold. 

Remus didn’t let go of his arm as he ushered Sirius into the house. Sirius flinched as Walburga’s portrait began to scream obscenities, her words cutting into his skin just as sharply as they did when he was a child. With Remus distracted trying to silence her incessant insults, Sirius managed to break free of his grasp. Charging forward, movement being the only option better than freezing at his mother's voice, Sirius made his way to Orion's study, thankful for small mercies that his father's extensive whiskey collection was still intact. 

Sirius’ hands shook as he poured into the glass tumbler, some of the amber liquid spilling in his haste. Knocking it back in one go, Sirius relished the painful burning at the back of his throat. As Remus called out to him from the now silent hallway, anger surged through his bloodstream. The conversation replaying over in his mind; Dumbledore smiling at him over half moon spectacles, insisting that Grimmauld was the only safe place for him. Safe. Sirius scoffed at the word. Grimmauld Place had never been safe.

Sirius launched the tumbler across the room, glass shattering across the marble fireplace, right where his head had when he was thirteen. Sirius looked up with tears blurring his eyes to see Remus arrive in the doorway. A worried expression across his face, but Sirius was in no mood to comfort him. Grabbing the largest whiskey bottle from the counter and forgoing another glass, Sirius pushed past Remus with a little too much force. 

“Sirius!” Remus called out after him, his voice laced with concern, which only made Sirius’ anger increase. He didn’t want to speak to anyone right now, let alone Remus.

“Sirius wait, please!” Remus followed him into the living room, Sirius became aware that he was now blocking the door. The walls already felt like they were closing in on him, the room becoming another prison cell. He was trapped.

Sirius took another large mouthful of whiskey before he had the courage to turn and face Remus. It took another two before he could bring himself to look Remus in the eye. The concern that washed over Remus’ face almost undid him but his anger won out, pulsing through him like poison. The silence stretched between them until Remus slowly extend a hand, reaching for Sirius’ own.

“No!” Sirius almost shouted as Remus took a step forward, approaching more into his personal space. Remus reaching out to him, Sirius flinched back from his touch, Sirius repeated harshly “No! You  _ don’t _ get to touch me right now!” 

Remus dropped his hand immediately, looking wounded. Sirius stepped further back, trying to put some much needed distance between them. Remus’ wide eyes met his “Sirius. Please I…”

“How could you?!” Sirius almost spat the words, his rage for the situation finally finding a target. “How could you just sit there and say nothing?”

“Pads please, I thought...” Remus pleaded, seeming lost for words which only angered Sirius more.

“What!? What Remus?” Sirius yelled. “You thought after twelve years locked away, I’d be happy to return to my loving childhood home?” He could hear the sarcasm dripping from his own words. His voice cold and looking to wound.

“I didn’t know what else to do.” Remus almost whispered, his voice cracking. His desperation and shame echoed in the space between them.

“How about defending me?! How about not sitting there and agreeing to send me here?” He was struggling to breathe now, the air too heavy with memories. His entire body shook with enormity of his own anger as he attempted to calm his breathing.

“You know what happened here.” Sirius choked out, his voice breaking and tears threatening to spill over the corners of his eyes. “You know what they did to me.”

Remus stumbled back as if Sirius words had hit him physically, head falling into his hands. “I’m sorry. Pads I’m so sorry.”

“No!” Sirius charged across the room, pushing Remus until his back hit the wall. “ _ You _ don’t get to call me that. Do you understand?!” Sirius hissed with venom, hands pushing hard against Remus’ shoulders.

Remus’ voice was calm but firm, “Sirius, I know you’re in pain but..”

“Ha!” Sirius cut him off, manic spiteful laughter bursting from his throat. “You know do you? You know I’m in pain? You have no fucking idea about pain Remus!” 

There it was, Sirius saw it in Remus’ eyes. The flash of anger and the subtle clench of his jaw. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Sirius knew he shouldn't goad Remus. He didn't deserve it but Sirius needed it. He needed the fight, the adrenaline, the release that came from retaliating. 

“You dare even say that to me? To me Sirius, really?” And there it was, the spark of danger that Sirius craved, the wolf always just below the surface. 

“What? You’re furry little problem once a month? Poor little Remus!”

Remus was a lot of things; intelligent, kind, sensitive, calm… aggressive he was not but that didn’t stop him from grasping the front of Sirius’ shirt and pushing him against the wall. Sirius was still laughing, mocking Remus until his back hit the wall with a large thud, the dull ache settling into Sirius’ bones. 

“You know what, you don’t have a bloody clue Sirius. You’re not the only one who’s been through hell!” Remus growled the worlds and he lent his body weight into Sirius, keeping him pinned against the wall. Sirius battled with Remus and himself.  _ Get the fuck off me. Please never let me go. _

“I was in Azkaban Remus! At least you were free!” Sirius blurted out, the air leaving his lungs in a rush. Remus’ face darkened, his soft features twisting in resentment. For the first time, fear gripped Sirius as Remus stared him down. 

“Free? _Free!?_ The man _I loved_ betrayed my family!! They were dead and I was alone.”

Loved. Sirius had began to wonder whether he had a heart after he’d left the broken parts scattered throughout his life. Crushed fragments under his mother’s fingernails and father’s boot. Cracked shards sank with the Inferi. Pieces severed alongside trust and friendship. Shattered across a staircase and nursery in Godric's Hollow. Splintered in a dark cell with Dementors. And yet in that moment, looking into Remus’ eyes, Sirius knew he still had a heart. Because Remus had managed to rip it from his chest with all but a verb tense. Loved.

“So listen carefully, Sirius.” Remus leaned in towards Sirius until his mouth was at his ear and his breath at his throat. Sirius shivered, his body both responding to Remus and wanting to flee. Remus whispered against his skin. “You don’t get the monopoly on pain... Because everyone’s in fucking pain!”

Sirius sank to the floor as soon as Remus let him go, all the fight and adrenaline leaving his limbs. He curled up into himself, knees to chin, taking up as little space as possible. Remus swayed on his feet, racking in large lungfuls of air, before sinking to join Sirius on the floor. Both men sat with their backs against the wall, close enough that Sirius could hear Remus’ harsh breaths and what sounded like a sob from the back of his throat. 

Even though Remus was physically close, Sirius had never felt so far away from him. The distance and silence stretching out until it filled the room, suffocating him. How long they stayed like that, Sirius didn’t know. Swiping furiously at a tear that had finally escaped, Sirius took another swig of whiskey. He wanted so desperately to reach out. To touch Remus. For Remus to hold him and tell him it was all okay. It was all a joke and they could escape this nightmare. Together.

When Sirius finally managed to lift his heavy head and glance Remus’ way, his heart hurt. Remus sat on the floor, a mess of long limbs and scars, head tilted away from Sirius as tear tracks made their way across high cheekbones. Reaching out, desperate to breach the gap he had produced himself, Sirius placed the whiskey bottle down between them. For a long moment Remus didn’t move and Sirius held his breath. Then it came out in a rush as Remus finally took the whiskey bottle, downing more than could ever be considered healthy. The tension crushed Sirius and weighed heavy on his aching bones, his throat working to say something,  _ anything.  _ Sirius almost cried with relief when Remus spoke first, breaking the awful silence.

“I’m sorry.” The two simple words were whispered so quietly that Sirius though he may have imagined them. He watched intently as Remus took a deep shuddering breath and finally looked Sirius in the eye.

Sirius wanted to apologize too. He desperately wanted to give Remus those words, too make everything okay, but they stuck in his throat, blocking his airway. His emotions too raw, still too close to the surface. He wasn’t ready to forgive yet, wasn’t able, the feeling of betrayal still coursing through his blood. But he had to speak, he couldn’t let this crushing silence continue.

“You never talk about it.” Sirius voice didn’t sound like his own. He didn’t know where the words came from, just clutching at any thought he could hold onto. “The past twelve years I mean.”

“You don’t talk about Azkaban.” Remus stated matter of factly. The two shared a look before Remus seemed to take pity on him and started to speak after a long broken sigh.

“Part of me doesn’t want you to know all of that shit from the last twelve years. I guess I wanted to believe I could leave it in the past. Try not to think of all the friends we lost. All the people we loved.” Remus’ voice sounded broken and flat. Sirius lifted a hand, wanting to reach out, to comfort Remus. But he quickly stopped himself, afraid to break this fragile moment of honesty.

“We were so young. All of us were just so  _ young _ .” Remus voice broke and Sirius watched helplessly as tears fell from Remus’ soft eyes. 

“And we thought we could win, because the good side always wins right!?” Remus’ tears were now falling freely as he tried in vain to swipe them away.

“But we didn’t. Everyone thought we won that night, but we lost Pads.  _ We lost everything. _ ” The words rushed from Remus in between painful sobs and Sirius couldn’t stop his own tears. He shifted closer to Remus, kneeling in front of him as Remus broke down. Harsh sobs and ragged breaths. 

“I know Moony,  _ I know _ .” Sirius attempted comfort, his own voice barely a whisper. 

“And I’m sorry I didn’t say anything Sirius. I’m sorry I didn't say no to Dumbledore's plan. But I couldn’t lose you. Even if it means bringing you here. I can’t lose you again.” Sirius grabbed hold of Remus by the back of his neck and brought their bodies together. They clung to each other, tears mingling.

“I can’t lose you again. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.” Remus repeated into his neck, and Sirius felt Remus’ pain in his soul, his own fears mirrored in Remus’.

“You won’t.” Sirius cupped Remus’ face in his hands, directing the other man to look him in the eye. Sirius’ heart lurched as he saw Remus’ tear stained face. “You won't Moons, I promise. You’ll never lose me.”

Sirius could feel Remus’ body shudder at his promise, their foreheads pressed together and breaths mingling. The tension between them was unbearable, all tight knots and teary eye contact. Then without warning, their lips connected. The lingering coldness Sirius felt in his bones quickly dissipated in the heat of their kiss. Their tongues gently met, almost hesitant, and Sirius could taste the whiskey on Remus’ lips. He heard a whimper, but couldn’t tell whose throat had made the sound.

Remus pushed Sirius down to the floor, hands held above his head and kissed him thoroughly. A rough kiss, the sort that would leave his lips swollen. Sirius moaned as Remus bit his lip. Sirius loved that sharp little nip Remus always used to give his bottom lip when he was turned on. Remus ended the kiss but didn’t pull away. He put his mouth to Sirius ear and breathed “I need you.”

Remus’ words sent shock waves of desire searing through Sirius’ body. Right now he needed Remus as much as Remus needed him. He always needed Moony. He took Remus’ mouth with his, exploring with his tongue. Sirius groaned as Remus pushed his thighs further apart as he settled himself between his legs. Buttons scattered across the wood floor as Remus ripped Sirius’ shirt open. Sirius sat up, straddling his hips and pulling Remus’ sweater over his head in one swift motion.

Sirius gasped at the skin to skin contact. Remus’ scarred skin felt like it was on fire and Sirius wanted to run his tongue over every inch of it. He wanted to kiss every scar, touch every part of Remus. Sirius breathed deeply as Remus ran his hands up and down his back and over his arms and shoulders. He relished the touch of Remus’ warm hands over his body, so possessive and full of need.

Remus’ hand traveled up to the nape of Sirius’ neck, fingers carding through his hair. Sirius gasped loudly as Remus fisted his hair and pulled. The sting made Sirius arch his back, pushing his hips harder against Remus’. Sirius’ body instantly melted at the sudden burst of pain, his mind flashing back to rough nights hidden in Remus’ bed. Nights where they were younger. Nights with hidden kisses and promises whispered against bare skin. They’d had the world at their feet.

Sirius was already painfully hard and moaned with relief as Remus freed him from his jeans. His cock fell hard and weighed against his stomach as Remus lay Sirius back down against the cool wooden floor. Remus kissed his way down Sirius’ body, biting and licking between ribs as he went. Sirius gasped as Remus’ tongue slid over his hip bone, causing him to buck his hip and his cock to jump.

_ “Ah! Fuck...”  _ Sirius’ back arched as Remus took the sensitive head of his cock into his warm mouth. Sirius nearly came instantly as Remus’ wet tongue swirled around the tip and Remus took him deeper into his mouth. Fuck, he looked glorious bent over Sirius’ cock, face flushed and tear stained, soft auburn curls atop his head that Sirius couldn’t help but reach out and hold tight. Sirius had dreamt about this moment so many times, never daring to believe it would ever happen again. 

Being with Remus brought Sirius’ body back to life again. All this time, he’d felt dormant, half asleep. But now Remus woke him up with his tongue and fingertips. His heart raced and his thighs clenched and his stomach tightened. Sirius couldn’t help moving his hips against Remus’ mouth, his breath coming out in short bursts. The answering moan from the back of Remus’ throat sent Sirius over the edge and he came into Remus’ mouth, quivering as his lips tightened around him. Remus swallowed every drop.

Sirius barely had time to catch his breath before he felt Remus’ wet fingers press against his opening. His body was relaxed, open from his orgasm and Remus must have felt that openness, as he pushed a wet finger into him. Sirius gasped and moaned, twitching at Remus’ tender touches as he pushed inside him, opening him slowly, massaging him. Sirius groaned as Remus found the tight knot of tissue inside him and pushed into it. Massaging it over and over, stretching Sirius, readying him.

Sweat covered Sirius’ skin as Remus finally pulled his fingers out of him. Groaning at the empty feeling, Sirius was ready to beg as he watched Remus quickly strip the rest of his clothing. Remus’ large cock bounced free and Sirius’ mouth watered as Remus used his own spit as lubrication. Remus positioned himself between Sirius’ legs, the head of his cock pressed against Sirius’ opening.

“Wait!” Remus froze at the word, quickly pulling back from him. “You said  _ loved _ .” Sirius tried not to cry again as he bared himself emotionally to Remus. Sirius had never felt so vulnerable, so open. Laid bare and naked in front of Remus like this, it felt like the first time and yet it felt like coming home. 

Remus seemed to regard Sirius curiously for a long moment, before realization crossed his face. Remus lent forward and joined their lips in a quick bruising kiss. “Love. Always love.”

Remus declared and Sirius’ heart leapt back to life in his chest.

“Always love...” Sirius moaned as Remus kissed his way along Sirius jawline. “Love...” Nibbled his way down Sirius’ neck. “Love...” Bit his shoulders and licked his collarbone. “Love…” Ran kisses over Sirius’ tattoos and his tongue over nipples. “Always love.”

Remus pulled back and aligned himself with Sirius again. Looking at each other for a long draw out moment, Remus silently asked for permission. Sirius nodded enthusiastically before Remus bent low and kissed Sirius on the mouth- A deep kiss with mingling lips, tongues and breaths. When Remus thrust into him, Sirius came alive again. Remus broke him apart and brought him back together again with every thrust.

Carefully, Remus thrust long and slow, in and out of Sirius. They continued to kiss for a long time while Remus moved inside of him. The kissing only paused when one of them desperately needed air. Their foreheads and lips always touching, as if both were scared to pull away again. He wrapped his legs around Remus’ back and met him thrust for thrust. Sirius gave himself over to Remus; he gave everything he had to him. His love, his desire, his lust and hunger, his grief, his heartbreak.

Remus’ thrusts grew faster, sharper, and the grip on the back of Sirius neck grew stronger, harder. Sirius’ hips felt heavy and tight. He rested on the edge of orgasm,sure that nearly anything would send him over. With only a few more pumps of his hips, Remus pushed in deep and came with a ragged grunt. He came hard and Sirius could actually feel Remus pouring into him.

Sirius wanted to say something, anything. He wanted to tell Remus how much how much he had missed him, how much he loved him, but the pleasure overpowered him and stole his already limited power of speech. All Sirius could muster was a low groan as Remus reached down and pumped his cock. Sirius was so hard that it only took a couple of strokes before he came in white hot ribbons, wet between their stomachs. 

Sirius let out a long breath that he felt he had been holding for longer than twelve years. His entire body was now weak and relaxed. Even with the mess of body fluids between them, Remus didn’t move. He just held on to Sirius even tighter, bodies crushed together as Remus’ now softer cock slipped wetly out of him.

Enclosed in Remus’ long sturdy limbs, Sirius felt safe. Laying there on the floor, chest to chest, heat beats synchronizing, he felt overwhelmed with emotion and yet calm at the same time. Still wrapped in each other, Sirius pulled Remus over so they were on their sides, facing each other. Remus’ eyes searched his as their lips met in gentle kisses. 

“I’m sorry.” Sirius whispered, finally able to say the words and meaning them wholeheartedly. He understood why Remus had done what he did, because Sirius would have done the same. He’d do anything to protect his Moony, at any cost. Remus reached up and cupped the side of his face, Sirius leaned into his touch. 

“No apologies.” Remus whispered, leaning forward to kiss Sirius again.

“Always love.” Sirius muttered against Remus’ lips.

“Always love.”


End file.
